Cheating is a big social No No and we may have experienced it first hand, or we know someone who has, meaning that generally we know how destructive it can be. Hence the question: How Not To Cheat?
1001 Definitions of Cheating
But what cheating means anyway? I met one girl who would not even look at me, or any other male, as in their this would be considered cheating. Others, would openly flirt, touch, and even kiss me, despite being in a happy monogamous relationship, as for them this was not cheating.
This is to say that what we consider acceptable “cheating standard” changes from person to person. And while we can generally agree that complete avoidance of other human beings, and sexual intercourse with someone who is not your partner are both not the healthiest ways to go about being faithful, the truth must be lying somewhere in the middle.
The Worst Cheater Becomes The Perfect Lover
Recently, I read a book called “The Truth”, by Niel Strauss. You may know this author from his other controversial book called “The Game”, which is a guide for men to sleeping with as many women as they want. Not a guide to “how not to cheat”, isn’t it?
Still, in this 2nd book Niel tries to become monogamous after years of “fooling around”, because he finds the one. However, the though of possibility and diversity never leaves him, even though a perfect woman is standing right in front of him, so he cheats.
His partner finds out, they have a fight, and he decides to go to therapy to deal with these non-monogamous thoughts. After few months of this, he is still not cured, as thoughts about other women never leave him, so he ends up cheating again. This time his partner leaves him for good and he decides to flip the switch and go full out on sleeping with other people. He trying such things are group sex, multiple partner relationships, sex clubs, and everything else that we common people can only dream of, but he is still not satisfied as thoughts about the one never leave him.
In desperation, he decides to go on sex fasting, which he combines with more therapy, and eventually, he tries one more time to have a relationship with his loved one and now it works. He does not have thoughts about sleeping with someone else. Happy ending.
What Can We Learn From “The Biggest Cheater” Story
For me, while reading this book, I noticed that the issue with cheating was the constant provocation that we experience in our current society. In fact, everywhere we go we see advertising and marketing that use sex to sell their product. We see people who dress sexier in order to get advantage in life. And we see many other provocations that don’t have a sexual nature, but they essentially teach to want more than we have, and teach us to be unhappy if we are not having anything less than a perfect existence.
Altogether, this creates a lot of frustrations specially for these of us who are not perfect in every aspect of our lives. This is why, even if we find something perfect, we can’t help ourselves not to look behind the perfection for something else, even if its not as perfect as something we already have, even if there is a risk to lose this perfection.
This is not rational, but rather a learned impulse that we have little control over. The problem is not us, but constant provocation and stimulation of our nervous system, which does not allow us to say “enough is enough”.
As such, the only way to stop cheating, is to stop to be influenced by these provocation, which is essentially to let our nervous system to calm down.
Cure for Cheating
As we have seen with Niel Strauss story, there are some right and some wrong way to calm down our nervous system from constant provocation and stimulation. For example, rational approach fails not to think about it, often fails because not thinking about pink elephant makes us think about pink elephant. In case of cheating this means: trying not to think about cheating makes us want to do it even more.
Another approach, is venting it out from my system, aka sleeping with as many people as possible. This approach works, but only partially as it removes some sexual frustration associated with “I can’t do it” and “I am not enough”. On the other side, it creates a whole new level of frustrations associated with wanting to sleep with bunch of other people. Essentially, we can stop sugar rush by eating more sugar.
General education seems to be efficient as it gives us correct insights as to how to deal with our emotions (which, full disclosure, is what my book is all about). Still, this approach often lacks direction as we have to go through a lot of different information so it is not a targeted approach (which is not the case of my book). This was perhaps why Niel Strauss’ approach with therapy did not work, as while he learn how to deal with his emotions, he never remove the constant provocation that is out there.
Final solution is NOT to go to a cave, to hide from the world, or write a “how to book”. Rather, most effective thing seems to be to meditate. There are many types of meditation and there is some religious aspect to the practice, which are not relevant for this discussion. When I say meditation I mean to sit down and essentially “not to think about anything”.
So we can see already the first problem. “Not to think about anything” is almost impossible. Moreover, why is it even relevant? It is relevant because, we need to stop provocation in its routes, which is our mind. If we can’t be provoked by our thoughts nothing in the outside world will ever make us want to cheat. Thus, we need to learn to do is disconnect from our thoughts (of cheating) as soon as they appear and to focus on something else, such as how our body feels.
Again, I do believe that for people who don’t meditate will have hard time with these concepts, so I recommend a 10 day meditation center. Honestly, I did not know what meditation was before I went to such a place. Moreover, I wanted to RUN the first hour I was there, as my mind was not comfortable just sitting there for that hour, yet alone 10 days.
But, I persisted and I forced my mind to focus. Now, I am happy to say that marketers, shirt skirts, and other sorts of provocation don’t have so much effect on me as they once used to. I can be in a relationship and this will be enough for me. I can even be by myself for month and no problem. This is a power of a focused mind.
MINDBLOW in Urban Beach Club
I used to live for 10 years in Lisbon, Portugal. It is a very nice country, but it is also very conservative. Specifically, at the time I was there, I had a very hard time having any relationship going. This is because Portuguese people make small groups of friendships and they rarely go out outside these groups to meet other people. Of course, they will be socially polite, but still very distant specially if you are a stranger. This is to say that in the 10 years that I spent in Portugal I never had a Portuguese girlfriend.
Perhaps, I was just inexperienced. Perhaps, finally going outside Portugal opened my eyes to how things work. Still, 10 years later, I once again returned to this lovely country, with a good friend of my, because I was visiting my mom who still lives there. I pretty much had the same social results as before. People were politely distant and it was hard to meet random people, until one night when everything changed. This was the night when we went to the Urban Beach Club.
Urban Beach didn’t exist when I lived in Portugal, so it is relatively new place to go out. Inside, I was not expecting to meet many people, as previous nights we went out with doubtfully cheerful result. Still, without much faith, I spoke to one person, and then another, and another, … It was MIND BLOWING to see how many people I spoke that night and how many people I met. Even more mind blowing was the fact that many people were so open to talk, flirt, touch, dance, and even to kiss. Where were the Portuguese people I thought I knew? Obviously, they were not in this club.
Funny enough, the moment we all walked outside of the club thing went back to normal. Even people who were open inside the club suddenly became conservative and distant again. What was it about this place that called out this inner social spirit that could break even into the hard Portuguese shell?
My take from this experience is that people are both defined and NOT by social conditioning. In one moment, they will play by hard to get, following established social rules, while in other moment, they will break away from these rules and act completely differently, perhaps like they are supposed to act in a perfect world.
From Celebrity To Piece of Dirk All For 200 Euro
200 euro is not much money, but it is surely enough to have some fun. Here, I’m not talking about prostitution, but simply by taking a flight from Thailand to Philippines, or perhaps Indonesia to Japan, and maybe some other permutations of countries.
I’m a solo traveler. This is just how I traveled most of the time. It has many advantages and disadvantages, as it is the case with being single or to be in a relationship. Simply said, one is not necessarily better than another. In case of relationships, there are many single people who are happy, and many people in relationship who are miserable, and other way around. Still, traveling alone forces me to talk to meet people wherever I go.
Thus, in Thailand and Indonesia, if you are white, it is super easy to meet people, and people will treat you as a celebrity or a king. In Indonesia, for example, they will run to you from across the street to take a picture with you, because you are while, lol. Oppositely, in Philippines and Japan you are nobody. You are bellow dirt. People will step on you and won’t notice you. Perhaps I am exaggerating. Perhaps I am generalizing. Still, as I hear, Japanese people are raised to believe that they will find a Japanese mate and that they don’t need anyone else to be happy. Specially they don’t want / need Western people who are just second rated class. Most people don’t even speak English. They just don’t see value in it. And so, Japan was one of the most antisocial countries I have ever visited.
Or perhaps they are just shy. This is what people told me about Philippine people, as there too I felt abandoned and alone most of the time. Philippines actually speak very good English, compared to Thai and Indonesian people. Still, the only people who would talk to me were people who wanted to sell me something. But I didn’t want to talk to them! And so I felt alone. Oppositely, in Thailand and Indonesia people will make an effort to talk to you, despite their broken or inexistent English, so it is never about language skills. Rather it is about people’s willingness to talk to other people.
I bring Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines, and Japan as an example because these are countries which as very near each other. And while we can claim that Japan is completely different culture, in Philippines people are essentially the same looking as in Thailand and Indonesia, at least from my western perspective. So it is so interesting for me to notice how different people will react to me differently, when the only thing I need to do is to cross a border.
Funny enough, one girl told me that I was a racist, because I though in these terms. I told her that she is a girl and she is hot, so she has many advantages over me in many areas of life. She couldn’t disagree with that. Should I than I call her sexist? In fact, everyone has some natural advantages over other people if they know how to use them. It is, therefore, only smart to use your natural advantages, whatever they are, to the fullest, as this is a blueprint for a beautiful and happy life. Oppositely, concentrating on disadvantages will only make us unhappy and underachieving, as we can always find something wrong with us. Do you agree? Is it even relevant to the whole cheating discussion?